Originally Posted by
HUnGary_SAmUraI
I look back at lots of my old posts. And see how much of a conceited asshole I was. Not that I'm not now. But I can't believe I was here calling people fags and belittling people and bragging about really superficial shit. I can feel the arrogance permeating from all my posts. And the things I would say that I expected others to think was funny... wasn't really funny at all.
Yet still people responded, whether with indifference, meanness, or going along with it trying to make my input to this community be heard. Even when I would taunt people and put them down in order to draw attention to myself just to assuage my poor sense of self worth, people would listen and they would react. Incredibly, often with such love and support. People would even ask after me if i wasn't around for some time, or bring me up in such positive light in conversations i wasn't directly involved with.
But these days, I have never felt so insignificant. Feeling as if no matter what i say, no one would really listen. No matter how much i dump my heart into things, I would never have my being so much as noticed, let alone acknowledged. Online, I feel like i'm competing with such masters of attention grabbing and the powerful algorithms that support them, pushing me off into some dusty long forgotten server-space. And irl, i am just a ghost that floats through the shells of people whose mind have been uploaded somewhere and no longer respond to outside stimuli.
I kind of always knew how much of an asshole I was here, and how immature. There was always a voice in the back of my head saying "come on, what are you doing man, grow up". And since my last posts several years ago have made a big effort to be more humble and supportive to others. And I've really made a lot progress. But I wonder at what cost. For too long I set aside my efforts to be noticed and feel belonging in order use that energy on supporting others. And recently, I've been finding it hard to really give a shit about them any longer. And I'm wondering, maybe I was feeling more love for a stranger here on these forums when i was calling him a stupid faggot than I have been to my best friends as of late. With the online person I was playing a game of dominance and attention seeking, but at least i was willing to sit down and play that game with them. To have them be a part of my struggle and of my life. To value and notice them, even if not for the most pure reasons. It may be better than having friends where I am constantly holding back, because i am checking my energy levels, determining how much I can give them without running myself dry. Because I am not taking and fighting for what i need to keep my energy and lust for life up. Humility to point of negligence.
If i could do this life over, to go through the teenage years, as I did on this forum, I certainly wouldn't be so mean. But I would play these games again. They are so necessary to develop a community. To have this give and take relationship. and some kind of struggle that you grow together from. And i feel these days, the extremes of the game have been so amplified that an individual is either taking everything or giving it all. There will never be a level playing field, but now it seems that some people aren't even allowed to step on. Sidelined, completely powerless. Living off the bones others cast aside, rotting away in their starvation.
In any case, for any relevant person reading this. I'm sorry if I was ever a cunt to you. I know it hurts. Especially back in the early 2000s when people on forums like this were generally folks who couldn't fit in irl. It scathes especially bad for us. But thanks for being a part of me growing up. For allowing me to feel a part of a community as I was learning to love. And having made together something to look back to when I need to relearn some things about it.
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