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View Full Version : How to wreck an iPod in two days.


StarcraftLedZeppelin
11-01-2006, 10:56 PM
I was taking a dump, and came across this article in last months thrasher magazine. Discuss.

First thing you’re going to want to do is stick some songs on your iPod. The first thing I put on my iPod was that gnarls barkley album. Yeah, I know. Not very underground But ***** that album is pretty bitchin’. Especially with a couple cold beers and a ditch down the street from your house.

Okay, so I mentioned that ditch down the street from my house again. Broken record, right? I’m always talking about the ditch down the street from my house, right? But shit man, if you have a ditch down the street from your house and you don’t make yourself a regular there then I gotta be honest. I’m going to think that you might have hobo shit for brains Anyway, stick thoose little white earphones in your ears and head down to the ditch.

So you’re totally shredding the ditch, right? And you’re listening to that gnarls barkley album. And it’s one of theese days where you’re totally the only dude that’s skating the ditch, right? So you know, you get pretty gnarly, but not as gnarly as if there where some other dudes there to see you get gnarlier. You know. Keep it strickly mediocre.

Oh, but totally do one trick that you’ve never done before to make yourself think you’re still fairly ripping. I did a blunt on a parking curb and then sort of slid into a backside disaster ( I’d like to think that I totally ollied into that ***** but I know I scuffed it) and then backside reverted out of that shit. Maybe that’s easy to you. I don’t know. I gotta work for my shit.

So you totally have a successful day at the ditch with your new iPod. You’re thinking, “Fuck yeah! We totally just got high tech on that ditch. Man. We’re like, in our 30’s but still hip!”

Anyway, go to bed feeling all awsome, like you’re going to skate that ditch everyday with your new iPod. Then think of all of the other spots your going to skate with your new iPod and think about how differently everybody will look at you. Trust me. Its gonna be bad ass.

Go skate the ditch by your house the next day. Put on some gear that’ll look awsome with an iPod maybe a V-neck shirt and some snug pants? Before you leave the house, let yourself know that you are totally going to rip. Seriously. you are going to make the rad. This is the new you.

Get to the ditch and set down your cold beers at the corner of the ditch—that spot off to the left that kinda makes a bench seat. That spot where the tree used to be. Then get your iPod all cued up. I went with bowie for day two of the Ditch Jams. Again, not very underground, but I’ve only had this shit for two days. If I’d had it for a week I gaurantee there’d be shit on there you’ve never heard. Like—you ever heard of Green Day?

Bowie is totally coming out of these little earphones that make your ears hurt, right? And you’ve totally taken one successful ride through the ditch. Hell, you ever did a pretty legitimate stand up 5-0 on that weird orange metal thing, right? Okay, so things are going pretty damn good. Oh, and I forgot to mention that on day two of having your new iPod there will be some additional dudes skating—three other dudes, actually. And they’ll all look like they’re fairly mature, which will make you feel a lot better about being the 30-something dude drinking beer by yourself.

So you’re stoked out, listening to bowie and having a good session. Okay, on your second run, drop in so that you carve the steep seep wall at the ditch and pump back into the flat really hard. You gotta let these other dudes know that you’re totally jammin’ to some shit that can’t even hear, right?

So you totally pump to the max, right? Make sure there’s a fairly large part of the tree branch just at the bottom of the wall that you’re pumping down. Just a few inches away from where that wall meets the flatbottom. Just far enough away so that when you hit it, you’re catapulted all the way across the flat and onto the adjacent embankment. Got that? Knock the wind out of yourself. Try to bang the side of your knee into the wall aswell. Make sure that you’re fairly confident that you’ve fractured at least one rib. Be legitimately surprised that, after you’ve scraped yourself off of the concrete, your iPod is still playing, super neat!

Get up and start skating immediately. If you’re old, you know how this goes. The second you sit down for over a minute your body is going to seize up. But if you keep skating, your good—at least until you go home and set your ass down on the couch for an episode of Forensic Files. After that, you’re fucked.

Wait , I got ahead of myself. Keep skating and listening to bowie and trying to shake off the bone crunching slam you took earlier. And then when it’s time to go home, be sure that there is a dude near you that says “I used to skate with an iPod ‘till my sweat ‘burst’ the headphones. at that moment you should look at your own iPod, so you can see that the screen’s all fucked up and half of it’s black. Try to pause it or turn it off, try to do pretty much anything you can make yourself think that maybe you hadn’t totally fucked up your brand new iPod the second day you had it. But then just sort of look at your new iPod and realize that you had indeed completely destroyed the thing the second day you had it. Stoked.

I guess the next thing you should do if your’re and “older” “married” skateboard dude would be to figure out whether or not you should tell your wife about what you did. This maneuver is completely up to you. I’d tell you what route I took, but then I wouldn’t have an article for next month. Hopefully you found this article informative. If you happen to be a “younger” “unmarried” skateboarder and found this article to be completely turdy, then I’d encourage you to turn the page and try to get stoked on some shoe company’s video advertisement. you know, some of that real skating shit.—by Michael Sieben

MetalheadskaterTK
11-01-2006, 11:21 PM
Hahah, i lolled at that

Skater_goth
11-01-2006, 11:27 PM
Lol pretty funny.
that is alot of effort typing that and making it up.
(good work)

Z3R0_SK8R_182
11-02-2006, 12:25 AM
nice find. good read

flipuk
11-02-2006, 02:07 AM
Man i need an ipod or something similar to listen to music when I skate

anyone got some suggestions (noting i will be ebaying that shit)

flipuk
11-02-2006, 02:07 AM
Man i need an ipod or something similar to listen to music when I skate

anyone got some suggestions (noting i will be ebaying that shit)

Rock_em_tight
11-02-2006, 03:27 AM
Good article.

MaC-
11-02-2006, 03:49 AM
I geuss it was funny

V3
11-02-2006, 05:00 AM
^, no it was definitly funny.

liebherk
11-02-2006, 05:33 AM
I was taking a dump

best possible start of a thread, right there.

liebherk
11-02-2006, 05:33 AM
I was taking a dump

best possible start of a thread, right there.

liebherk
11-02-2006, 05:33 AM
I was taking a dump

best possible start of a thread, right there.

liebherk
11-02-2006, 05:33 AM
I was taking a dump

best possible start of a thread, right there.

liebherk
11-02-2006, 05:34 AM
man, this board is screwed up.

liebherk
11-02-2006, 05:34 AM
man, this board is screwed up.

MaC-
11-02-2006, 05:37 AM
^, no it was definitly funny.

not really.

MullenSucks
11-02-2006, 05:43 AM
not really.

Well good thing we have you here to tell us what is and isn't funny then, huh? After all, how else would we know when to laugh without your say so?

drowning_fish
11-02-2006, 05:53 AM
Yeah I read that in Trasher too... I loved the BS Drunks ad in that, I didn't know they'd actually be selling those. My shop's a big supporter of the Don't Do It thing (so sadly no SB's) but I think I can get them to order me a pair or something

MaC-
11-02-2006, 06:34 AM
Well good thing we have you here to tell us what is and isn't funny then, huh? After all, how else would we know when to laugh without your say so?

he went against my opinion, so went against his. jesus you flame everybody.

MullenSucks
11-02-2006, 09:16 AM
he went against my opinion, so went against his. jesus you flame everybody.

Deal with it, pussy.

Hot Pie
11-02-2006, 02:45 PM
Thats no big deal, he can just send it in and get a new one back. Boo hoo, I have to go without my brand new iPod for 7 days while apple sends me a new one.

MaC-
11-02-2006, 02:55 PM
Deal with it, pussy.

ouch.

reptiskate52
11-02-2006, 02:59 PM
I read that already.

Hot Pie
11-02-2006, 03:01 PM
I read that already.

Good for you.

shampoo
11-02-2006, 03:01 PM
It's not clever, intelligent, or great writing. He would have been just as well off not writing it.

Let Fire Fall
11-02-2006, 03:06 PM
Yeah I read that in Trasher too... I loved the BS Drunks ad in that, I didn't know they'd actually be selling those. My shop's a big supporter of the Don't Do It thing (so sadly no SB's) but I think I can get them to order me a pair or something

Gay.

Article was pretty funny.

MaC-
11-02-2006, 05:46 PM
Consolodated makes no sense. éS, Etnies, DVS, DC are all sold in malls and pacsun. nike doesnt. "keep big companies out" nike doesnt sell shoes where possibly 75% of the kids/teens at the mall go into. DVS, ES,DC,ETNIES are all mainstream and "big"

If you ask someone waht etnies is, they will say " a skate shoe"
If you ask someone what Nike SB is they will most likely say "i dunno."

yeah, nike is a big company, but they arent going into skating being mainstream.

(jerseysucks said this in another thread)

MaC-
11-02-2006, 05:46 PM
Consolodated makes no sense. éS, Etnies, DVS, DC are all sold in malls and pacsun. nike isnt. "keep big companies out" nike sb doesnt sell shoes where possibly 75% of the kids/teens at the mall go into. DVS, ES,DC,ETNIES are all mainstream and "big"

If you ask someone waht etnies is, they will say " a skate shoe"
If you ask someone what Nike SB is they will most likely say "i dunno."

yeah, nike is a big company, but they arent going into skating being mainstream.

(jerseysucks said this in another thread)

Hot Pie
11-02-2006, 08:34 PM
The whole anti-Nike campaign is the stupidest shit I've ever seen.


No kidding, but drunks are steezey

riskitforabiscuit
11-03-2006, 01:36 AM
I don't hate Nike but they aren't the best shoe manufacturer for money.

RollerCoaster
11-03-2006, 03:42 AM
thats fuckin funny.

black_world_skater
11-03-2006, 03:47 AM
Ha

Ha?

Crispy
11-03-2006, 05:02 AM
har har har

drowning_fish
11-03-2006, 05:05 AM
Gay.

Article was pretty funny.

...? Why?

Let Fire Fall
11-03-2006, 05:08 AM
...? Why?

The whole anti-Nike campaign is the stupidest shit I've ever seen.

MullenSucks
11-03-2006, 08:24 AM
It's not clever, intelligent, or great writing. He would have been just as well off not writing it.

And that could also sum up every thread you've ever made, so next time maybe hold your tounge.

emericaxskater
11-03-2006, 04:20 PM
When you say last month do you mean October or September?

Choizy
11-03-2006, 05:53 PM
That article as pretty funny. I need some music playing when I skate. Or else I get bored

StarcraftLedZeppelin
11-03-2006, 07:17 PM
Last month as in October.